So, obviously the last month has been quite busy. Between the holidays and getting moved and all of the other things that go along with everyday life, I've gotten pretty run down. And this is when the real problems start.

I have this issue about friends. In that I think I don't have any. Or that the ones I do have don't really consider me that good a friend and are willing to completely ditch me if things get slightly difficult (I'm glaring at you here Nick). And also that I'm completely incapable of making new friends. You know...because I'm so annoying and hard to deal with and generally unlikeable.

I'm not saying this to be modest...this is genuinely how I see myself.

Now this is something I've dealt with for years, both on my own and in therapy, and I know how to keep it vaguely under control. Mostly by keeping lists and writing down my feelings and setting realistic expectations. But the thing about getting really busy is that you don't have time for that crap. And the thing about getting really run down is that your emotions are raw to begin with. And so basically, for the last month I've been a complete mess. To the point where I couldn't bring myself to get in touch with people when I was home in DC, because I was convinced they would have a horrible time with me and decide not to be my friends anymore (Karen, Christina...so sorry I didn't call).

We moved because Ian's job moved to London. The plus side about this is that now I live really close to work, in a town where a lot of my co-workers live. This should be a good thing. And yet, it's not working out that way. I'm getting upset that I'm not included in things, I'm feeling like everyone hates me, I'm convinced that my life is just horrible.

Seriously, one of the things that upset me today? Two girls I know are having dinner at another girls house tonight. It's possibly a larger group than that. And I wasn't invited. In my head, this is obviously because they hate me. It's not because I don't actually know the girls who is hosting the dinner...it's because I'm a bad person. And even if it is because I don't know the girl, well, the fact that other people who work here know her and I don't just proves that I'm not capable of making friends...and thus I am a bad person.

Then there's the party tomorrow that I wasn't invited to, even though everyone else in the office was invited. The fact that the same guy has invited me to lunch today and drinks this afternoon would indicate to a sane person that he just forgot to include me on the mass email invite for the party. But I'm probably not going to go to the party, because I'm too worried that he actually doesn't want me there, and that my presence will just make everyone hate me more.

Honestly, it can be exhausting feeling this bad about yourself all the time. And I'm exhausted, and it's just making it worse.

So, there's that. I know that I just need to calm down, realize that having lived here for only 2 weeks it's only normal to not be as involved in things as people that have lived here for years, quit worrying about being friends with everyone and just try to be friends with the people I actually like (shocking concept), and let things evolve naturally.

It's just so hard to do that when my head is screaming at me that I'm a horrible person because no one wants to invite me around for a girls night, or because I can't think of anyone that I'd be comfortable having over for dinner without a big crowd of people, or because I hardly keep in touch with any friends from high school, or because I don't even have contact info for my best friend from college anymore.

Logically, I know I'm not a horrible person. It just really doesn't feel that way at the moment. And I really just need a break from it all. Too bad I actually have to work for a living.